I’ve been on diets and weight loss programs since the age of 7.
If losing weight were an Olympic Sport, I could have taken home the gold medal by the time I was 10.
- I got really good at outsmarting what ever plan or program I was on.
- I got really good at “fake it till you make it” and motivational pump-me-ups.
- I got really good at tricking the scale, tricking my stomach, and tricking my mind.
- I got really good at living my life hungry, tired, miserable and restricted.
Yup I mastered them alright, but there was a major cost.
Essentially I got really good at outsmarting and deceiving myself.
But it didn’t just stop there. You know what else came about as a result?
In order to maintain my results or feel in ‘control’ of my body, I had to outsmart myself every single day!
It exhausted me.
It consumed my life.
It consumed all of my inner-thoughts.
If a friend called me to have dinner, my first thoughts would be:
“Crap! Do they have a salad there that would fill me up?”
Then one of my voices would chime in and say:
“Well if I’m really ‘good’ all week and do extra cardio sessions at the gym, then I can earn my ‘cheat meal’ and feel really good about it!”
Looking back at the umpteen times this happened or the bazillion different types of situations like this that occurred in my life on a daily basis, you know what I now realize?
I was missing out on my life!
Instead of getting excited about connecting with people I love, I was getting STRESSED about what to eat or how my body appeared when I was with them.
Instead of engaging and focusing in on the conversations or connections at hand, I was focusing on what I ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ eat….and if I should get dessert or not!
And instead of actually sitting down and gifting myself the experience of a delicious meal cooked to my liking in a fun environment with beautiful people, I was feeling guilty or anxious or pensive….about food and my body!
So yea, I had motivation, discipline, and willpower in-check.
And I was indeed able to sculpt that rockin’ body, toned tushy, and ‘healthy lifestyle’ that I always dreamed of having.
But you know what else I had?
It left me with a very toxic relationship with my body and a very toxic relationship with food.
And to be honest, that toxicity had very little to do with what I was eating or how much I weighed.
It had everything to do with my relationship with food and my relationship with my body.
My whole life I was so concerned with becoming ‘skinny’ or ‘hot’, I never realized how much it was COSTING me and my freedom.
Food was the boss of me.
I was a slave to my brutal workout routine to ensure that I didn’t gain anything back.
24 hours a day, 365 days a year, the life and body I worked so hard for was actually at the mercy of food and exercise.
What to eat and how to stick with it weren’t the problem in the end. I learned the motivation and discipline ‘game’ backwards and forwards.
The real struggle was the simple truth that if I wanted to win those ‘games’ every single day, it involved massive amounts of energy, grit, blood, sweat, and tears to maintain.
Because no matter how motivated or disciplined I got myself to be on a day to day basis, food and exercise still ruled my every move.
No matter what size I wore or how much weight I lost, I still had a Fat Head sitting on top of my body, carrying around the weight of the weight.
It was the guilt, shame, blame, and comparison around my body and my choices that REALLY weighed the most.
Those were the things that were weighing me down.
Those were the things that were acting like a downward force on my life, my mind, and my heart.
Those were the things that were comprising that 100 lb. bag of rocks that I was carrying around every single day.
THAT was the weight that needed to be dropped.
weight (n.): downward force of body, heaviness, burden, mass
weight (v.): to load with weight
weigh (v.): measure, carry, bear, move
I don’t believe any woman has a food ‘problem’.
I don’t believe any woman is “too lazy” or unmotivated.
I don’t believe that any woman’s metabolism or body are ‘broken’.
I don’t believe that giving into that chocolate craving and eating “way too much of it”, or staying home curled up on the couch means that someone is lacking in the willpower department or “doesn’t want it badly enough”.
I used to think those same things about myself.
But those are just some of the symptoms of having (what I call) a Fat Head.
Walking around with a Fat Head and carrying around all that extra ‘weight’ is like carrying around a sack of heavy rocks every single day.
It’s not just any weight either. It’s DEAD WEIGHT!
It does you no good. It serves no purpose or benefit.
Imagine if you weighed all the comments or snide remarks you make to yourself (about yourself) that don’t make you feel very good?
The shame, blame, guilt, comparison, and perfectionism that you have around yourself, your body, and food.
That inner-chatter that’s always monitoring you or judging you or telling you what you’re supposed to do or shoulda, woulda, or coulda done.
The quick fixes and magic buttons and band aids that restrict you, punish you, or make you hate what you have to do to get there.
Imagine if you weighed all of THAT.
Then imagine the weight of the weight of THAT.
- The burden
- The energy-sucking
- The resistance
- The hating on yourself and your body 24 hours a day.
- The constant check-in with whatever unit of measure you are using to track your self-worth that week – whether it’s weight, jeans size, or the number of complements you receive.
Lose THAT weight.
And I think that you’ll find:
You’ll LIKE yourself more.
You’ll feel more beautiful, powerful, and confident.
You’ll find that all of a sudden your journey’s not so hard, your goals don’t seem so far away, and you’ll actually get to live your life in the meantime– as in enjoy food, enjoy your body, and enjoy the experience of your life, right now and as you go.
And your butt will most definitely look better in those jeans. 🙂
So where do you have a Fat Head calling the shots and preventing you from dropping all the ‘dead weight’ you’re carrying around?