For anyone that ever gets caught up in their own BULLSHIT: Here’s what I learned from getting caught up in my own.
2013 was a hard year for me. It was hard because the choices I made, the roads that I went down, and the thoughts that rode along with me the entire way. They all made it feel hard– made it seem hard.
I had a warm bed to sleep in, a wide array of warm clothes to cover my body, plenty of food to eat, people who love and care for me, and all the opportunities in the world to go create my dream life. But a lot of days I didn’t see that.
- I saw my struggle.
- I saw my pain.
- I saw my confusion.
- I saw the multiple forks in the road.
- I saw what I didn’t have or what I hadn’t done.
- I was meshed in this constant battle– this endless fight– this unwavering resistance. And I didn’t know if it would ever let up.
Looking back now I realize that it would have never let up if I didn’t change the way I was seeing things, and I know this to be true because now I see that the only thing I was battling, fighting, and resisting was ME.
My “enemy” was my chattering brain, and when I gave it the floor, it gave me excuses, self-justifications, or reasons I [shouldn’t/couldn’t/didn’t want to] do what I knew I needed to do.
It made me feel like I wasn’t prepared, like it was too hard, like the risk was too big and the stakes too high.
And so I kept fighting.
I kept fighting to find the words, fighting to see the right way to walk, fighting myself day in, day out.
Then one day I asked myself “What the hell are you actually fighting? Who are you fighting…and why?”
For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have an answer. I couldn’t reason, logic, or justify my way to an answer either.
And that’s when I first realized that there was nothing to fight, nothing to resist, nothing to battle.
There were no boobie traps, fire-breathing dragons, or villains out there just waiting for their chance to “have at me”.
In fact it was the opposite. There were people, opportunities, circumstances, and smoothly-paved roads reaching out their hands to me to succeed– to step into the amazing life I had been exhausting myself looking for.
But just like that crazy, fire-ball-of-a shooting star that would be missed if you were looking down at your text message or facebook feed, everything that was right in front of me essentially never existed. Even when it presented itself right in front of me, I couldn’t see it — not with the blinders I had on.
How can you stand tall and feel courageous when you’re looking for danger, things to go wrong, or the “other shoe to drop”?
How can you give and receive love when you’re looking for love’s lack or feeling unworthy of receiving?
How can you breathe and seek safety and joy and contentment when you are entrenched in battle and fighting tooth and nail every step of the way?
And how can you find or seek out what you aren’t even looking for? What you don’t even know you should be looking for?
So yea 2013 was “hard” for me. I struggled and I got caught up in resistance.
But it wasn’t because the world handed me a crappy hand.
It wasn’t because I fell into some bad “luck”.
It wasn’t because I lacked opportunities or lacked the tools, knowledge, and support to find a smoother way.
And it certainly wasn’t because I was waiting and wishing for a magic unicorn or other seeming impossibilities.
It was a hard year for me because I chose every single step of it, every single minute.
I chose to fight, I chose to look for danger, I chose to look for reasons not to follow my intuition or believe in my own capacity fully.
I chose it all, and I am so friggen’ happy I did, because if I hadn’t chosen to take the “hard” way, I might have never reached that point in my pain threshold that forced me to say:
“Okay Leanne enough is enough! Enough of this fighting, resisting, life-is-hard BULLSHIT. Just stop it….and stop it right this second! Stop looking for what you DON’T love about your life. Ask yourself the hard questions you need to be asked to go figure out what you DO want. Go become the person you would need to be to actually go live that life, feel that way, or accomplish those things. And then take ownership of your decision to either DO it or DON’T do it. Either way, just shut up! Stop perpetuating the thoughts in your mind that will keep bringing you more and more of what you DON’T want, and go do something about it. Or DON’T go do something about it, and just SHUT UP!”
So given what I just shared with you, you might think I”m crazy when I say that 2013 was one of the BEST years of my life. It’s the year that I REALLY stepped up to my truth, learned what it REALLY feels like to follow my heart, discovered what is REALLY important to me, and started to see myself for who I REALLY am.
Shining that mirror up to your face is NOT easy. In fact it might even make you want to scream or run or hide in your warm bed with the covers pulled tightly over your head. But WOW, is it worth it.
One of my favorite quotes: “Life is easy if you live it the hard way, hard if you live it the easy way”
Where I thought I was clinging to safety and comfort and logic and taking the “easy” way, I was really setting up a rough, bumpy, pot-hole-filled journey, and I didn’t even realize it…until I realized it.
I know 2014 will be an amazing year. I have full belief that it will bring me more smiles and more joy than this past year. But if 2013 is any indication of how magical even the hardest, toughest, and bloodiest battles can be, then I’ll own every part of it, and I know it wasn’t for nothing.
Not only will it save me that same blood and “hardship” in the future, but it was the push I needed to finally STOP getting caught up in my own battles and my own fight against absolutely NOTHING….and start living that beautiful life I was always looking for.
I’ve seen a lot of people posting that they “hope 2014 will be better” or that they are happy to put this past year behind them.
But how about trying this on instead:
Go DECIDE to make 2014 amazing, and DECIDE to let this past year NOT represent regret or shouldas, wouldas, couldas.
If this past year was harder or less fruitful than you wanted it to be, then reflect back on it without shame or judgement and make damn sure that it wasn’t for nothing. Let it all stand for something or stand as a lesson to go CREATE the 2014 (and beyond) that you truly desire. Step up and start taking ownership of your life.
I’ll end this ramble for now, and just leave you with a couple of questions that really served my life when I found the courage to answer them authentically:
Where are you standing right now? And HOW are you standing?
Are you battling yourself? Are you resisting? Are you getting caught up in the same internal chatter or BULLSHIT that isn’t serving your life?
Are you moving closer towards the life you love, or are you moving further and further away?
Cheers to the experiences, the lessons, the bumps and bruises, and the new-found “hair on your chest” that 2013 left you with. It’s now all part of your story.
And of course, cheers to a happy happy new year and whatever experience of 2014 you CHOOSE to have from this day forward.